New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
