He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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