she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
