I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
