Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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