who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
