My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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