I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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