Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
