the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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