this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
