so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just want nice things and good sex
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
