I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
