I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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