you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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