i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
