Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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