Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
