I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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