I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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