I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
