So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
