He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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