i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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