If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
