Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
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I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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