I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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