highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
