Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.