If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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