I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday