So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
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I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
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Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.