Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it