Just fell off a train. Bad.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun