i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
