so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
