i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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