lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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