is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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