Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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