she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
