thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
