So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
