Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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