even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you never un-have a 4some
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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