I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
