We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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