I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
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The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
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He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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