Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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