woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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