I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
