Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
