Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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