My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
