Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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