In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
