I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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