He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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