Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
