My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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