The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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