this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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