the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
