My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
