when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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