my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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